How? How can I possibly go on?
I never can be who I was before you left.
Did you leave?
I find myself vacillating between knowing you are here and knowing you know longer exist.
At least, you no longer exist as you were.
What do I do with this?
I choose to grow but
The moments come where I feel like I am sinking in quicksand.
Sometimes I want to be with you instead of here.
A lot of times.
But, I’m here for a reason, right?
So I go on.
I lift my head and pull my feet out with the help of some higher power,
With the help of love.
What more is there?
I am holding on by my fingernails
Trying to catch a breath.
Let you go.
How?
Hold you here.
How?
Where are you now?
How do I talk to you and show you how much you are loved still?
My son,
You are always with me and yet,
I allow you to go to God.
I allow you to be what you are,
Whatever that is.
I pray for your peace and my faith that all is well.
I pray for myself and my daughters and husband and all those who are still here missing you.
Missing you,
My boy.