I feel triggered today. Triggered by the people around me and triggered by my own thoughts. I am angry. I am so not used to allowing anger and right now it feels like it could take over.
I feel like no one understands me. In fact, I guess that is true because no one has or can stand in my shoes. Still, I just want to be accepted, flaws and all. I feel like that is up to me.
I have been so busy trying to be something for everyone in my life that I forgot about being something for me. Now I am not even sure what that means. I am worthy just because I am here. I do not have to prove myself to anyone. I am enough.
Why then do I feel like I have to live up to everyone else’s standards? If I play that game any longer I will keep failing. Surely as I have failed that game so far in my life. Every time I try to measure my self-worth by society’s, my parent’s, or anyone else’s standards, I fail. I can never live up to those standards. And even if I could I would be failing myself by being something that I am not.
From now on I choose authenticity. I choose to love myself because of just being me. I am here and God made me. I am God. I am love. I am enough and I am worthy! Damnit!
How then can I shift from this perspective to the perspective of a naughty little girl with one little remark from my mother or my friend? I am realizing that the person they are expecting me to be does not exist, never existed before, and certainly does not exist now. I have come too far to be something that I am not.
Now for the part where I find out who I really am. Wait…I know that. Somewhere deep down I know that I am love, light, joy. I am enough. There are parts of me that have been shattered and hurt and huddle in a dark corner just waiting to be loved. I am the light for those parts. I am the one to love that sad, angry, lonely little girl inside.
I hold her in my arms, she is ugly, dark and full of warts. She could be called revolting. Still, I hold her and I love her. Slowly, slowly, slowly, she begins to change. She becomes a small child, a little girl crying out for some love and tenderness. I rock her and love her until her tears subside. She is safe now. She is loved and accepted. And, should she turn back into the ugly little monster again, I will see her for what she is and love her endlessly.
Peace.
Much Love,
Peace Goddess