Today, I feel spent. I have to surrender. I surrender to the hope that there is a higher purpose. I surrender to the hope that my son lives on in another form. I surrender to the hope that my daughters will thrive in their own way in life. I have to surrender because the pain feels as if it is engulfing me. I feel as if I am drowning in a sea of emotion. I have been putting on a brave face for others, treading water, stemming the emotion, holding it down like a bob on the sea, all the while my strength ebbs with the effort of pretending and trying to be what I am not right now.
Right now, I do not feel happy, I feel scared and sad, more sadness and grief that I ever thought possible. I feel so open and raw that a single word from another pierces my soul. I do not want to close down anymore and yet, this vulnerability feels as if it could end me. So be it.
I surrender to whatever higher purpose is at play here. I will it. I lay down my life in service to a higher goal, to love. But, I realize I need to start with myself. Forcing myself to be responsible and continue playing a part is not working for me today. Perhaps this is a gift? Could this be a gift to me from all of the darkness?
And yet, as I write this, I must also write that I feel great light about me and within me. I feel as if in this surrender I will find peace if I can get there. In surrender I will find the lightness and love and then, truly be connected to my son and all that I desire. But I don’t surrender to get something. I surrender now because it is all I can do. Or not do, as the case may be. I ask for God’s will to hold me, to guide me, to heal me. I no longer want to work anymore. I choose to be held in this light and love. I choose God to be my motivation, my incentive. I won’t even beg because that takes energy. I just lay my life in the hands of God and my “I AM” presence. I rest.
Much Love,
Peace Goddess
Photo by Christopher Campbell on Unsplash