I don’t know.
I don’t know how my son died. I don’t know where he is, really. I don’t know what I am or why I am here. I don’t know my next step.
There are so many unknowns in life. Will I see my boy again? Does he really hear me? Are those signs really from him? Am I doing alright? Is it okay that I just can’t “human” today? Is there anything good or bad anyway? Can I make a mistake? If I do is it a good thing? A bad thing?
Questions roll around in my head throughout my day. It could drive me crazy but I have learned some techniques for calming this racing mind and the need to know. These techniques I’ll call: The Shelf, Healing Presence, and Surrender.
The Shelf:
There will always be something I don’t know. It would be easy to become frustrated or angry or even depressed and, believe me, this still happens to me sometimes. But, I have realized that maybe I am just not ready to know some things. In this case, I use a method I call, “The Shelf.” The Shelf method is really quite simple although it involves a bit of imagination. I simply imagine the question or issue troubling me. I see it being placed on a high shelf. I picture this shelf being available for me when I am ready. It’s that simple. This little visualization has had a very powerful effect on my life. Being one who questions everything and dealing with the enormity of my son’s mental health issues and death as well as generalized anxiety, it is a way to take myself “off the hook.” It’s okay that I’m not sure of the answers right now. All will be revealed when the time is right.
Healing Presence:
This leads me to my second technique: Healing Presence. Since listening to many of Matt Kahn’s audios I am able to see myself with more compassion. I see that everything that disrupts my life is here to be healed, and by doing so, I am healing the whole. If we see ourselves as a healing presence in the world and everything that we struggle with as a way of healing both ourselves and the collective, it releases the need to control it all. It also helps us to feel empowered even in our sadness, anger, illness, and grief. We know this is here for us to heal everyone and we can give it to the light. I am still learning how to do this but the main idea here is to love whatever comes up. If you are angry, love the one who is angry. If you are grieving, love the one who grieves, and so on. It allows you to let go of the judgement and struggle.
Surrender:
Letting go leads us to my last technique: Surrender. Similar to “The Shelf,” we acknowledge that there is more at play that we can’t know at this time. We allow ourselves to just be okay with what is and TRUST that there is a higher plan. This technique requires a lot more than imagination though. It requires faith. One must believe and trust that everything is really okay. We are simply not privy to all the information, nor are we supposed to be. In fact, this is what makes our time on Earth so exciting and really can be part of the joy we experience. If we see this life as play, not as a way to get from point A to point B but as a continuous journey of discovery and expansion, it becomes lighter and more fun. This is not a one-time fix but a process of giving it all to whatever higher power or system that is at work that ultimately has our best interests at heart. It involves believing that our experiences are happening to teach and expand us into more and more love and light.
Sounds airy-fairy right? But, when you are down on your knees and can’t see the reasons for the things that are happening what are your choices? You can give up. I don’t think this solves anything. In fact, I believe we are never finished. So why not choose the second option: open our hearts and trust that there is more here than meets the eye and that life is happening for us, not against us. Which feels lighter and more expansive? I know which option I am choosing. I am here and would love to hold hands with anyone who wants to take the leap with me.
Much Love,
Peace Goddess