It seems my re-energized focus on loving myself has been bringing up many many things to be healed. Sometimes I feel as if I am on a very large ride at an amusement park, I’ve agreed to get on and rode in the car, up and up to an apex only to find myself flying down the other side screaming that I want to get off!
The only way through now is through. I am continually loving myself through all that arises in my consciousness, thoughts and emotions. All of it: the deep feelings of grief for the loss of my son in physical, the feeling of overwhelm with my daughters and their grief and pain, my deep empathic nature where I feel everyone’s emotions, my feelings of shame and unworthiness, my regret, my panic about not having enough and not being enough…all running through my energy system and coming up to be healed. I love each part as it comes up and there is a moment of calm and peace. Then, yet again, I am thrust downward screaming, “I want to go home!” All the while realizing that the power to go home is actually in my hands. This doesn’t help. It just pisses me off. I don’t want to try anymore. I don’t want to work at this life. And yet, I want to live! I want to feel joy! I want to do more, be more, share more…I want to connect to my son in spirit. Whoosh! I go around another bend.
I just realized this isn’t a roller coaster at all. It is an upward spiral of healing and I’ve been in it all along. We are all in it. I don’t have to DO anything. I just have to love whatever is and know that it is Divinely guided and is happening for me. Heck, I don’t even have to like it to allow this new perspective.
And, as a loving mother to myself, I hold gently my screaming child in a loving embrace. “It’s alright honey. I’m so sorry you have had that experience. Of course you feel this way. I love you. Thank you for sharing all of this with me…” And, for the moment, she rests with a calm smile in my arms.
Much Love,
Karin
Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash