I am trying to think of a theme for my blog right now. The only thing I can come up with is expanding through grief. I’m not sure I am in a place to say I am expanding. Some moments I feel more free and open to all that is and could be than ever before. Other moments I feel fearful and such a deep sadness engulfs me that it blots out all other thoughts and feelings. What I can write about is my process of learning to love myself even through what, for me, has been the experiences I feared most since having my first child.
To have a child die, no matter what age, feels devastating. It has made me question everything. I have been seeking answers to the meaning and purpose of life and death, what death is, how to communicate with those who have transitioned into non-physical, whether there are multiple lifetimes, and really questioning everything I have ever done in my life. A part of me just knows that there is no end, that my son is with me always and that we have been together for a very long time. On the other hand, the physical and emotional part of me that tells the story of him and me and our relationship feels broken and so sad.
I liken it to being between two worlds, a sort of limbo, if you will. I will never stop missing the physical part of Matt and that way of connecting but I feel him close whenever I am calm and open to love. My desire is to live more in the loving space so I can remain connected to him more. However, I don’t think I can be there 100% without feeling all of the pain of loss first. That’s the challenging part. Or, is this just another story I am telling myself that does not have to be real? I don’t know.
All I know is that the only way through this is by loving all parts of me, the guilty, shameful, regretful, longing, aching, broken, shocked, crazy, clinging parts as well as the loving, light, nurturing, believing, open, wonderful mother parts of me. I was not a perfect mother but if Matthew knows my heart, which I believe he does, he knows that I have always loved him and wanted the best for him.
And now, I allow the tears to fall…
Much Love,
Peace Goddess