It was a year since my son’s passing into non-physical on February 6th. One thing I have noticed since then is my need to do things “right.” Nothing has brought the absurdity of this more to the forefront than grief. I mean, is there any way to get grief “right?” What would that look like anyway?
What I know is that grief is not linear. It is messy, very messy and it comes out when you least expect it. I expected it on the anniversary of my son’s passing. It never came. However, the week before and the time after were a rollercoaster of emotions. I kept asking myself why I didn’t feel really sad on the day, as if there was something wrong with me. When I search my heart I know the truth, it was because I felt my son with me so closely on that day and it was comforting. I had a knowing that everything was okay. But, as with all of life, grief is not static. It can be a monster grabbing your heart and surprising you with sadness and anger at the strangest of times. Little things can trigger it: eating a food my son ate, walking through the woods that he loved. It can bring you to your knees in a heartbeat.
But, is grief evil? I think not. It is only there because of the deep love that has no way to be physically expressed anymore. So how do we deal with grief? What is the way? I have been reading books about grief and listening to grief counsellors and, even though they are helpful, they don’t have the answer. That’s because the answer is not outside of us. The answer is within. We must move through all of the ups and downs of grief and use its energy to propel us forward, even when you don’t want to get out of bed. There are no rules. It is as individual as each of us. One thing I know for sure is I will use it and make friends with it because I know it’s here to stay. So, how do I get it right? Moment by moment and feeling by feeling. I will create a legacy of love through the pain, somehow…
Much Love,
Karin (Peace Goddess)
Photo by David Cohen on Unsplash