I have been surviving. I’ve been moving through each moment, each hour, and each day. I’ve been carefully hiding my feelings and only allowing them to come out in private, all the while thinking that no one knows how I truly feel, who I truly am.
The pain of losing my son often feels unbearable. And yet, there have been many rewards that I have experienced since his transition. I will never see his passing as a reward; it’s more like there is a special expansion happening inside of me because of it. I feel more connected to his soul than ever and I feel my psychic abilities opening up more and more. I am also aware of a very deep and abiding support from the Universe shown through all of the synchronicities and healings available to me each day.
My moment to moment focus has now become to remember the reward, the gift. Yet, I’m human and there are moments, hours, even days where I feel I can’t possibly abide the storm of feelings in my heart and mind. Sometimes faith is not enough to keep the pain at bay. When I think of hearing your voice or giving you a hug. When I remember your laugh, or don’t quite remember it (which is far worse). The physical longing can feel like more than I can bear.
So how, on earth, in this human existence do I get through these moments? I pray. A LOT. I cry. A LOT. I find an external focus that uplifts me or helps me to feel productive. And most of all, I say to myself:
“I love you sweet one. I’m so sorry for your pain. It is understandable that you would feel this way. I am here. I love you. Thank you.”
And, well…I go on. I write it down in one of my journals or I write on this blog. Love is the only way. It’s not a way out of the pain but a way into me, into honoring, accepting, and loving the authentic me–the one who is a soul having a human experience that I don’t have to like. It’s a way of trusting that there is a higher plan while still allowing my feelings.
I am surviving through love.
Much love,
Karin
Photo by Gaelle Marcel on Unsplash