FINDING MEANING IN THE MADNESS
Sometimes I just feel like screaming, “Why!” In that moment I really want to know the reasons behind everything that has happened in my life. As if knowing why would release me from the pain. Well, in the moment, I feel like it would.
I’m swinging constantly between allowing the pain and really going there and just moving on and trying to be positive. My old spiritual paradigm—largely based on a spiritual ego—would say that I should try to be as happy as possible and not focus on my “negative” feelings. The problem with that is, the feelings are still there, buried deeply below the façade of happiness. Frankly, that’s not good enough for me anymore. I want to love all of me and that includes the feelings of grief, shame, guilt and even horror. I have been through a hell of a lot and I choose to honor that!
Does that mean that I will wallow in self-pity for hours every day?—no. It simply means that I will feel all I need to feel and honor those parts of me that ache for my son, those parts that feel cheated because I no longer can hold him or talk to him in physical. I will hold in my heart with deep compassion the pieces of the remaining terror and trauma of going through his addiction and extreme mental health issues that put him, me, and my family in danger. It also means understanding that there is guilt. I am coming to terms with the fact that, yes, I could have done things differently, had I known different. It also means recognizing that I was and am still a very good mom.
I loved my son through so much and I would have continued to do what I could for him and love him in physical until we parted—which I thought would be when I passed. Now, I still love him and continue to find ways to connect with him because, even in the darkest times, our souls were connected with love. That will never change for eternity.
So when that shadow of pain, anger, guilt or shame arises, I will not run and hide for it is all part of me that I am. I will choose to love each feeling as much as I continue to love my son. In this way, I am healed and so is he.
Much Love,
Karin
Photo by sydney Rae on Unsplash
Featured Photo by Lacie Slezak on Unsplash